414 Days of Solitude

The disclaimer to end all disclaimers:
I recognize that everything I’m about to say here smacks of privilege… the privilege of having a secure job over the past year and keeping a roof over my head, of not getting sick myself and not losing immediate family members to COVID, of having the luxury to read and write about racial inequities rather than experiencing them first-hand, of not facing an existential threat to my way of life based on the outcome of last fall’s presidential election. We have faced some collective trauma as a society throughout 2020 and since, but in no way do I believe I have had it “tough” over the last 14 months.

…which is why I was so shocked by the severely negative emotional reaction I experienced coming up to my “fully vaccinated” status.

I noticed a slight shift in my attitude once Christian got me a vaccination appointment and my “freedom day” (second shot plus two weeks) was a fixed point on the calendar rather than some undefined future time. I began to feel more anxious, frustrated, short-tempered, and depressed. After 13 months of lockdown, during which we generally got along and didn’t get on each other’s nerves, I started to get irrationally angry with him for making plans to go out with friends and travel out of town. Yes, I initially had reluctance and questions about the shot itself (which I wrote about previously [1]), but this was something different. I wasn’t stressed about getting the vaccine; I was stressed about re-entry into society.

In talking through my feelings, I came to realize that I had really gotten used to this new way of life, and there were certain things I didn’t want to give up. Of course I am not going to miss the daily dread of turning on the news, the numb scrolling through charts about case and death rates, or the anxiety of being around anyone other than my husband. Those things were born out of a chronic, collective stress we as a global society have experienced for more than a year (and will for some time to come), and I want them to be a thing of the past. But there were other things that became part of my daily life, things that I don’t want to leave behind – I’m talking about some of our healthier attitudes and coping mechanisms.

A Shock to the System

I have always considered myself an extrovert. Pre-pandemic, Christian and I regularly had packed schedules, with a social outing or hobby-related event every night of the week and multiple events on weekend days. Sometimes these activities were joint interests, but more often than not we did our own things across multiple social circles and had to schedule time in advance to see each other. I also had a different job then – and I wasn’t in charge of a company. I worked long, hard hours, but I played hard too.

When I started my new job, I was in the office with my team for nine days before I sent them home (ostensibly for two weeks). Leading a company in our virtual working world, I’ve probably put more effort than I otherwise would have into regularly, proactively reaching out to my team members to make sure they’re doing alright and have what they need not only to succeed at their work but also to cope with this once-in-a-century health crisis. I don’t say this to brag or to complain, but simply to illustrate that when I close my laptop for the day, I am usually wiped out. And for more than a year now, I have felt nothing but relief that I have nowhere to be in the evening. (Have I been a closet introvert all this time?!)

Christian and I got back from a month of traveling (which we thought was a long time to spend together) weeks before lockdown started. Our pre-pandemic, “occasional quality time” arrangement shifted almost instantly to nothing but quantity time – all the time, exclusively with each other. I have liked it, though. We can each do our own thing – he can watch a movie, I can write my blog, and we don’t need to interact or entertain each other. It’s a quieter existence, to be sure, but I’ve gotten some space to breathe… and I like it. I’ve been (or tried to be) kinder to myself. I’ve told myself (even if I don’t believe it) that we’re going through collective trauma, and I don’t have to be productive and power through all of my quarantine projects – sometimes it’s all you can do to get through the day.

In imagining a return to “normal,” I could see a calendar once again crammed full of social obligations, and I felt exhausted. While I knew that my calendar wouldn’t instantly reflect pre-pandemic frenzy of social activity once I hit two weeks after my second shot, I imagined that the expectations would be back pretty soon afterwards. Christian was already blocking out summer weekends for different trips and activities. Meanwhile, I didn’t want to lose the space I had discovered for myself – time to be alone, weeding my garden, taking a walk, or sitting on my porch with a cup of tea. I didn’t want to lose the compassion I had granted myself – the understanding that sometimes I’m just tired and not capable of socializing any more that day. And I didn’t want to lose the gift of unstructured down-time with Christian and the kitties.

Christian has had a very different quarantine. He does not expend all of his social energy at work every day. He has been fully-vaccinated for months but refrained from social activity on his own until I had some level of protection. He wants to get out and see people again – and many of those people are my friends too. Although I am exhausted by the mere concept of socializing, it has been so long since I’ve seen friends that it feels selfish and silly for me to say no to the first opportunity to hang out with each one of them. I feel guilty at the thought of saying “yes, I miss you, but I’m just not ready to see you.”

Mindful Return

One of my “pandemic projects” (which is currently stalled) was a Marie Kondo tidying spree of the house, which I started during Lent this year.[3] It was not lost on me that her process of taking everything out and only putting back what you really want in your life can be applied to more than just your things. The pandemic put my entire social life on hold, abruptly – including my more social hobbies (singing, brewing, running, etc.). I recognize that I don’t have to (and probably shouldn’t) put everything back, but the guilt is a big factor (similar to when I was discarding sentimental items – and everything was a sentimental item).

I have several questions I will be asking myself in the weeks and months to come in order to be more intentional and give myself some agency as I ease back into the world on my terms:

• What things from the past year have been good for me? …for Christian and me?
• What are some ways I can be a good friend while still recognizing my own needs?
• Am I managing others’ expectations about my needs?
• “Does this spark joy?”
• What level of commitment for [X activity] is sustainable in the long term?
• When experiencing a strong emotion, what is that feeling trying to teach me?

My “freedom day” came and went this past week, marked by dinner with my in-laws, at their house, around their kitchen table – something I hadn’t experienced since Thanksgiving 2019. Unsurprisingly, my mind has not caught up with my immune system, and it still screams “danger” at the thought of being around anyone other than Christian, including friends and family. I recognize that, as with any post-trauma recovery, returning to the world will be a process – and likely not a linear one.

It’s also worth recognizing that we’re not out of the woods yet, and until more people get vaccinated, there may be more social restrictions ahead of us. At least for the time being, a more measured, thoughtful return to old activities seems prudent. And I will ask my friends for patience and understanding as I work toward my new normal.

~

What feelings have you had about the end of the pandemic and social restrictions? What have been your coping mechanisms either during or returning from quarantine?
Please feel free to share your story below and be kind to your fellow humans. We’re all in this together.

Thank you for reading!

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[1] https://radicalmoderate.online/why-i-got-vaccinated/

[2] https://theoatmeal.com/comics/working_home

[3] https://radicalmoderate.online/tidying-up-week-1/

[4] https://littlemeinabigworld.wordpress.com/tag/shawshank-redemption/

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