This is Fine.

“It is not your duty to finish the work,
but neither are you at liberty to neglect it” 

– Pirkei Avot 2:16 (taken a little out of context) [1] 

I have a sizeable list of upcoming blog topics (abortion services as a necessary part of healthcare among them) but I really couldn’t bring myself to do much in the way of research or writing on that subject… or any subject… this week.  As much as I am trying to be mindful of burnout risk, I am well aware that I am still careening toward it, simply by looking at the symptoms, not my schedule.

I was thinking back to when I started this blog, spurred on largely by an argument with my neighbor about Roundup.  I’d like to say that life seemed a lot simpler then, but I can’t say that the early topics that I wrote about (such as limiting plastic purchases to curtail waste in our waterways, oceans, and Southeast Asian countries; limiting Roundup use to protect the digestive systems of bees, therefore preventing hive collapse and increased food scarcity; or limiting meat intake in order to reduce the negative feedback loop of growing greenhouse gas emissions and increased deforestation from the meat industry) are exactly what I’d call “light” topics.

Recent Work

The fact is that I can’t help but see connections between seemingly disparate issues, and I often feel paralyzed or disheartened when faced with a decision because there is so much to consider, with so many unseen consequences… and furthermore, there is so much to be done once a given path is clear to me.  My daily work is emotionally draining, to be sure (and I do my best to keep my work life and my private life separate, even on this blog) but so is my private life, especially when I take time to dive into the details of everyday choices and see how either 1) there are no good options, or 2) the vast majority of people won’t accept the “best” course of action.

Christian and I recently rewatched the movie “Hot Fuzz” [3] when I needed something funny and familiar.  Much like the highly driven main character, I am largely incapable of “switching off.” I am aware that, in the absence of making that decision myself, my mind and body are starting to do it for me. (With the exception of a week-long conference in New York City, which required long days of networking) I have been very good about limiting my work hours over the last month or so.  Unfortunately, it is becoming clear that hours on my time sheet aren’t the only metric when considering mental health, and that constant worry about pretty much everything is taking a toll as well. 

Mounting stressors in the broader world – not the least of which being the Supreme Court leak about Roe v. Wade this spring, but also a looming petrochemical build-out in the Ohio River Valley [4] (which would turn Appalachia into another “Cancer Alley”), as well as a recent revelation that we don’t have the political will in the developed world to keep global temperature rise below 1.5 degrees Celsius [5] – have led to this mounting feeling of dread and despair in my corner of the world.  So when the Supreme Court’s decision was finally released this past week, I didn’t feel surprise… or despair either: I felt numb.

Nervous System Dysregulation

I’ve had a number of conversations lately about leadership style, as I’m hopefully going to be hiring a new manager at work in the coming weeks.  One of the things that I’ve thought a lot about lately as we interview candidates is crisis leadership vs. peacetime leadership – specifically, how easily does one lean into discomfort and uncertainty to leverage opportunities vs. seek to regain stability and comfort?  It’s a concept that I learned about many years ago when reading a book about mental health and leadership style, which illustrated that different skills are needed at different times.[6]

It should sound like a cop-out for me to say that I think I’m probably a little bit of both, but I do know that I tend to thrive when everything is on the line and the outcome is unclear. That’s not to say I get excited about a crisis existing, but rather that I am more effective when a crisis arises.  This is why I get very motivated by deadlines… and the sound they make when they go whooshing by; it’s why I am terrible at training for marathons and instead treat them like sprints; it’s also why I feel like I rolled with the punches – all I really could do – when taking the reins of a public health organization at the beginning of a global pandemic.  

All that being said, I am very aware that crisis mode is not meant to last.  Crisis as the norm is incredibly unhealthy… and it’s something I covered on this blog almost two years ago, as we were approaching the six month mark of the pandemic and a presidential election.[8] I’ve had enough conversations with my therapist lately to understand that this numbness that I feel is a result of unprocessed stress, which manifests in your body if you don’t move yourself through the whole stress cycle.  What was a relatively new concept (at least to me and Brené Brown) when I wrote about the book Burnout in 2020,[9] is called Nervous System Dysregulation and is characterized by over-reactions or under-reactions, as well as depression, insomnia, poor attention or memory, and fatigue.[10] 

Gardening

The reason why we ruled out standard depression was that I have been overwhelmingly motivated to work in my garden, representing more of a fixation on something I love to do than a loss of desire.  The consistent, methodical work of pulling weeds and putting new plants into the ground is almost meditative for me, like running.  You can only take a marathon one step at a time; you can only weed a garden bed one weed at a time.  At the end, I can see tangible progress, and so can the pollinators and wildlife that enjoy the benefits of my labor.  

It is quite literally a way to focus on what I have control over.  My neighbors may choose to use herbicides or pesticides,[12] they may choose to leave their porch lights on during “Lights Out for Lightning Bugs” week,[13] and I may be able to influence them toward more responsible behavior through friendly, informative conversations, but ultimately this tenth-acre is where I can make decisions and create an organic, native-plant haven.  And if that’s all I can do, that’s all I can do. … And that’s a good reminder for the world at-large.

I don’t really have an optimistic way to close this post because I’m feeling far from optimistic, but it did strike me as I put new plants in the ground this week – plants that won’t be spreading for years – that that is a very tiny act of hope.  I recognize that despair over the state of the world will not help anyone, least of all myself and will be more likely to make things worse – because fighting a little bit is better than not fighting at all (as I pointed out in my recent post on climate doom-saying).[14] My current perspective, as I told my therapist this past week, is basically that we’re fucked – the question is only to what extent? The harder we work, the less fucked we’ll be.  

• That means pushing through despair but also stopping to breathe when we need it – there are other people to pick up the work; 
• That means keeping an eye on the big picture but focusing on our individual parts to play, knowing that we cannot do it all ourselves and everyone has a different role; 
• That means knowing that there are no perfect solutions or outcomes, but that focusing on what has gone well and how to improve the rest will make a given approach more effective in the future.

That’s all I’ve got for now.  I hope, if you are despairing, you are coping to the best of your ability and have someone to talk to.  If you do need to talk, this is a safe space.
Thank you for reading.

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[1] https://www.sefaria.org/Pirkei_Avot.2.16?lang=bi&with=all&lang2=en

[2] https://knowyourmeme.com/memes/this-is-fine

[3] https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0425112/

[4] https://www.spglobal.com/commodityinsights/en/market-insights/latest-news/petrochemicals/020322-shell-expects-new-us-petrochemical-complex-to-start-up-by-year-end-cfo

[5] https://www.eenews.net/articles/a-softer-u-s-climate-goal-kerry-points-to-1-8-degrees/

[6] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/10357675-a-first-rate-madness

[7] https://radicalmoderate.online/monarch-101/

[8] https://radicalmoderate.online/dont-fear-the-reaper-processing-tragedy-through-art/

[9] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/42397849-burnout

[10] https://www.mindhealth360.com/contributor/nervous-system-dysregulation/

[11] https://twitter.com/MargNation/status/960719819044737026/photo/1

[12] https://radicalmoderate.online/roundup-and-glyphosate-part-1/

[13] https://radicalmoderate.online/firefly-festivities/

[14] https://radicalmoderate.online/ok-doomer-perspectives-on-climate-anxiety/

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