The Stress of “Should”
I read Robert Frost’s “Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening”[1] every year on the Winter Solstice – the darkest evening of the year – and celebrate the fact that the days will once again be getting longer. Whenever I hear it, I can’t help but think of friend of the blog The Bethlehem Gadfly [2] who used to tell his English students (tongue planted firmly in cheek) that it’s about Santa Claus. My mother (the busiest person I know, despite retirement) loves this poem too and frequently quotes the last two lines, “And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.” especially in the run-up to Christmas.
Some Combination of Martha Stewart and Old Fezziwig
Heading into the holidays, Christmas in particular, people are often busier than usual, not taking time for themselves, and tend to be more stressed than joyful. Several years ago I commented that the real transition from childhood to adulthood should be marked by the change of one’s feelings about Christmas: from excitement to dread. 2020 has thrown a wrench into the works, but I’m not sure it’s an entirely bad thing. (I am not talking about the financial difficulties small businesses are experiencing with COVID-related shutdowns, and I am certainly not talking about families having trouble putting food on the table, let alone buying presents for their children. Those problems are real, and we need to think about ways we can help each other through this especially difficult time.) What I am talking about is the Christmas-industrial complex and the frantic nature of so many people – women in particular – who feel the need to make the holidays perfect for everyone else.
This year I’ve noticed more attention being paid to how moms (and mom figures) work their butts off to make sure all of the family traditions and societal expectations are fulfilled. Maybe it’s because this year has been so fundamentally different to begin with, and, as we’re all stuck at home, we can’t help but see all the work that normally takes place behind the scenes. I will take this opportunity to note that it’s not all moms, and it’s not only moms (I know amazing single dads, two-dad families, and husbands who help their wives with holiday prep), but the commentary we’re seeing right now is on the general trend, specifically regarding how traditional gender roles have lingered in the home, even while women are inching toward more equality and representation in the workplace.
There have been serious writings about this need to keep traditions alive and achieve some kind of holiday perfection,[3],[4],[5] but I was happy to see Saturday Night Live’s recent, more comical representation [6] getting so much attention on social media and sparking conversations around setting more realistic expectations for ourselves.
While I am not a mom (except to two cats), I am a wife and the head of my company. I have high standards and expectations about what people in such roles should be doing around the holidays, but more than that, I also have a deep desire to make the holidays enjoyable for my family, friends, and employees. And doing that means, among other things, signing 150-some Christmas cards, baking over 80 dozen cookies, and spending almost $500 dollars on postage (just postage) for the various cards and presents heading around the US and around the globe. (Merry Christmas, USPS!)
Thriving in Crisis?
I know that at least for myself (and I have heard for many others as well) these holiday expectations are largely self-imposed. I am aware that my husband thinks the amount of time and effort I spend on holiday preparations is insane, but I do genuinely enjoy baking cookies, and wrapping presents, and decorating the house. I love giving gifts and letting people know I care about them and appreciate them. Having family traditions, whether it’s putting up the same decorations every year or making generations-old recipes, helps reinforce a sense of permanence and stability, especially in unstable times,[7] and that sense of “I should be doing this” comes from a place of wanting people to know I care about them.
But there’s something in it for me too. Going through the same set of Christmas checkboxes (cards, cookies, shopping, decorating, wrapping, etc.) is comfortable in its familiarity while also exciting in its near-unattainable and incessantly creeping scope. I am aware of my own proclivity to treat challenges like a sprint, rather than a marathon (which I realize is ironic for someone who runs marathons). It’s all too easy to focus all of my attention on a novel, isolated issue until it is solved, and I can enjoy the feeder-bar-task resolve into a food-pellet-reward.
Christmas plays perfectly into the pattern where I thrive: the last-minute frenzy before a deadline, followed by relief that the goal has been accomplished. There is always one crisis or another that demands attention, pulling me away from boring routine into problem-solving mode – and problem-solving mode is so much more attractive, with that dopamine rush of pulling off a miracle at the last minute.[8] But that pattern, in general, does not make for a stable environment for a family or a cooperative environment for a company, even if it’s how I tend to work. (And it’s probably not healthy for me in the long run either.)
The idea that there will be enough time to get everything done after the next crisis has been averted is one of the biggest lies I tell myself, but I honestly believe it. I’m always certain that after work, chores, and hobbies are done, I’ll still have time for eating healthy, for exercising, for writing, for meditating, and for pleasure reading. Somewhere in my mind, the success of getting everything accomplished hinges on sheer will power, not on the stubborn, linear progression of time.
Image credit: Rebecca Steele
The Last Twelve Months
As Saturn and Jupiter converged in the sky on the Winter Solstice, as close as they have been since 1226, I was horribly depressed that Pittsburgh’s skies were cloudy all week, and we saw none of it. (The event also made me think of my favorite science fiction short story, “The Star,” by Arthur C. Clarke,[9] which I make time to read every year on Christmas Eve, no matter how busy I am.) The Winter Solstice represents the days getting longer and new year on the way. If astrology is your thing, the conjunction of Jupiter and Saturn represents a time for renewal and intention setting.[10] Either way, this is the time when people the world over reflect on the past year and look ahead to the new one, often making resolutions.
This time last year, I was considering my next steps professionally and wondering how I could make an impact in the world. I wondered if I had the strength to make difficult decisions, even if it meant people disliking me for it.[11] I focused on my skills and interests, as well as how I wanted to stretch myself and where I might be needed. I asked the Universe for an opportunity to make a difference in the areas of environmental justice and social equity, where I could stretch outside my comfort zone and learn new things, knowing that I would take whatever opportunity I got to do my best for the people I could help and for the planet as a whole.
I got that opportunity, and I started that job in March, two weeks before everything shut down for COVID. Since then, I’ve been working hard to learn the ins and outs of running an organization for the first time, to learn the goings-on of the public health and oil & gas industries, to get to know my employees, and to look ahead to how we want to grow the organization. I keep a post-it note, which I wrote in May, on my computer screen, saying that I am committed to:
- Fulfilling my organization’s mission
- Building a team that makes the organization strong
- Making sure my team members feel respected and empowered
Image credit: [12]
Since then, I have made unpopular decisions, and I have pissed people off (both inside and outside the company). However, every difficult decision I’ve made has gone through the screening criteria above, and I feel like the organization, the team as a whole, and its leader are all stronger for it. Although I am not immune to worrying about others’ opinions, I can at least feel confident that I made sound decisions based on the information I had at the time.
There is always a lot to do, and I regularly feel like I am not doing enough – or at least that I could always be doing more. Fifteen extra minutes here or there to read one more news article or to reach out to one more potential funder always seems like it’s worth the time. I don’t want my employees to be on-call all the time, but I feel like I have to be just in case they need me. As I said before, I am not a mother (except to my kitties), but this is the closest I have ever been to such a role: the future of an organization and the livelihoods of twelve people are in my hands, and I want to make sure I am there for them in the long term.
~
After looking back over my personal growth and realizations in this past year, the second half of this post will focus on how I can work to bring a little more balance into my life (and, by extension, the lives of others in the coming year.)
Thanks for reading – and Happy New Year!
[1] https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/42891/stopping-by-woods-on-a-snowy-evening
[2] https://thebethlehemgadfly.com/
[3] https://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/for-women-its-the-most-overwhelming-time-of-the-year/2013/12/20/a26461ae-668e-11e3-8b5b-a77187b716a3_story.html
[4] https://www.forbes.com/sites/margiewarrell/2014/12/11/womens-holiday-stress/?sh=7038ce812cc2
[5] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shouldstorm/201812/festival-shoulds-holiday-stress-and-joy
[6] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOVCtUdaMCU
[7] https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/our-emotional-footprint/201702/profound-need-our-traditions
[8] https://www.healthline.com/health/dopamine-addiction
[9] https://sites.uni.edu/morgans/astro/course/TheStar.pdf
[10] https://www.nytimes.com/2020/12/18/style/self-care/jupiter-and-saturn-conjunction-christmas-star.html
[11] https://radicalmoderate.online/new-years-resolutions-and-the-courage-to-be-disliked/
[12] https://funnyjunk.com/Another+one+for+apocalypse+bingo/pozmMcb/
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