New Year’s Resolutions for the Burned Out

The close of the calendar year is a time for reflection, and I’ve been reflecting plenty over the past week, including reaching the realization that I don’t particularly like New Year’s as a holiday.  I feel like every year when I take stock of whether I’ve achieved my resolutions, it’s usually a no, and I consequently feel bad and commit to new resolutions that probably won’t be met either.  At a time of the year that is already so frenzied with holiday preparations and expectations, it is hard for me not to dwell on everything that I didn’t accomplish over the past 12 months, and more than anything I just wish for some time to catch up.  That’s no way to spend one’s life in general, but it certainly isn’t a recipe for enthusiastic, ambitious resolutions.

Growth is Hard

This year felt especially challenging for me, in what has been a string of challenging years. While I absolutely recognize how fortunate I am in many ways and do not mean to use this post as a chance to complain, I also recognize that between work life and home life in 2023, I feel like I have spent more time outside my comfort zone than any year before.  I have experienced new and uncomfortable leadership challenges, and I have had to come to terms with the mortality of loved ones while taking on more responsibilities from a caregiving standpoint.   

In many ways, this year has been a success: working through challenges at my company to effectively align the structure of our team with the goals we’re trying to achieve – and hiring some fantastic new people to support those efforts; getting accepted into an international climate leadership program that will help me grow my knowledge and skills to make my company’s (and my own) efforts more effective in the fight against climate change; pushing myself to learn more about topics that interest me and share those lessons here on this blog.  I’ve done well in spite of these challenges, but this year has exhausted me – to the point that I don’t want to think about how I’m going to stretch and improve myself in 2024.

I also recognize that I’m coming up on an important milestone birthday in the new year.  I have been excitedly looking forward to my 40th birthday (half seriously and half tongue-in-cheek) because of the axiom that states once you hit 40, you are officially “out of fucks.” [2] I am exhausted by drama (but, really, when was I not?) and pouring energy into shit that is truly inconsequential.  Maybe that’s why the Marie Kondo approach resonated so strongly with me during the pandemic – not just with stuff, [3] but with people, and activities, and responsibilities. [4]  What I have truly made an effort to do throughout this incredibly challenging year is identify my priorities… and prioritize them. [5]  In doing so, I’ve let a good bit slide, and I’ve realized that some things aren’t actually as critical as I thought they were.

But I do still have some very important fucks to give (notably regarding my work, my family, and my friends), and I want the necessary time, attention, and energy to devote to them.  Recognizing my own limitations and paring down my obligations is a very important step – one I wouldn’t have been able to do five years ago in pre-pandemic life.  But the obligations that remain still create stress, and I can tell you that meditation, exercise, talk therapy, and alcohol can only do so much to counter it.  Reducing stress is one piece of this puzzle, but increasing fun (time to refresh, recharge, and build resilience) is necessary too – and around this time last year, I recognized that I had a severe deficiency. [6]

Whatever Floats Your Boat

In March of this year, during my Digital Detox, [7] I took heed of some advice I had read in Catherine Price’s The Power of Fun: [8] notably that if you’re having difficulty even listing activities that you consider to be fun (which does happen – some adults are very out of practice), the place to start is by listing examples of connection, playfulness, and flow (the three components of fun) you encounter in your daily life.  I began on March 1 and continued through to December 29, when I entered, coded, and analyzed that data for this exercise.  (And yes, I recognize the irony of coding data to inform how I can increase the fun in my life, but can honestly say that I was most definitely in a state of playful flow while sorting data in my 700+ row, color-coded spreadsheet.)

While I wouldn’t necessarily call all of the 688 activities I tracked over 304 days “fun” (clearing catchweed from my yard is not fun; doing research on gas industry safety violations is not fun; being held by a friend while crying about a medical diagnosis is not fun), everything I listed does represent an example of connection, flow, and/or playfulness.  And, maybe because this year was so difficult for me, there were many examples of each – even on some of my most trying days.  To be fair, these data aren’t exhaustive: they’re examples I remembered at the end of every day, sometimes trying to find one of each type, sometimes only finding one at all.  What that means is that not all data points are created equal in terms of intensity or enjoyment, so as much as I am trying to track objective fun, there is still a heavy subjective filter when it comes to what data I recorded in the first place.

In any case, I noted the following overall trends:

• 24 of the 688 entries represent all three areas of Connection, Flow, and Playfulness (or what I’ve referred to as “Bingo!” in my notes)
  • Common activities here involve dinner/drinks (8) or simply hanging out (6)
  • I also tracked who is involved: the usual suspects most frequently include Christian (10) and our friends Galen and Darcy (9)
• 390 examples represent just Connection
  • Christian takes the lead here (166), followed by my coworkers (87), which I was pleased to see – I do spend a significant amount of my waking hours with them, and I do feel a strong emotional connection with my team
  • Activities involve hanging out (165), followed by meals/drinks (63) – it helps to have beer on tap at the office, and examples of emotional support (59)
• 44 examples represent Connection and Flow
  • This category is populated broadly by a number of people in my friend group
  • Activities include unproductive hangout time, mostly with friends (17), as well as productive creation time, largely with coworkers and family (11)
• 109 examples represent just Flow
  • By far, it’s just me, by myself, coming in at 95
  • Most of these activities involve creating something or being otherwise productive (97)
• 4 examples represent Flow and Playfulness together
  • All involve me, by myself, working on my Halloween costume
• 45 examples represent just Playfulness (I fully expected that playfulness would be least represented)
  • Christian is in the lead again (19), followed by the set of all friends (9), and pets or other animals (9)
  • Much of this category involves playing games or just being silly (26) – pets are great for that, followed by watching comedy (11), which is a little more passive than I’d like, but I’ll take what I can get in this expectedly small category
• 69 (nice) examples represent Playfulness and Connection
  • Christian (32) takes the lead again, followed by my coworkers (21), which surprised me at first, but in looking back at the examples themselves, I know we employ a lot of dark humor to get each other through the day
  • General silliness or games (27) is again in the top spot, followed by TV and movies (14)

In addition to examining the raw data trends, I wanted to look at some of the examples in context.  To do that, I identified “high-scoring” days, which were calculated using the total number of points for each instance of play, connection, and/or flow. (For reference, with 861 instances noted over 304 days, the average per day is less than 3.)  There was a major 13-point outlier one day in July, when we spent a weekend out of cell service range with friends at their cabin, but aside from that, the highest tier of scores was represented by 18 days that totaled 6 or 7 points each.  I’m not entirely sure why, but the “high score” distribution clustered with 5 days in both March (when this exercise started) and December (when it ended).  It is possible that I was thinking the most about finding examples at the beginning and end of the exercise, but I will also note that these were objectively stressful months for me, so I may have been looking extra hard for examples of fun when I was most feeling its absence.

And given that possibility, here’s where it gets interesting (it wasn’t already?!): I will note that while some of these quantitatively “fun” days happened on weekends and vacation days, when fun is more expected, a full half of the 18 days in the set that scored 6-7 points were either weekdays when I was at work or a weekend day that unexpectedly turned into a workday. What that tells me is that much of having fun comes down to attitude, even in stressful situations.  (That’s probably not a huge revelation, but it is curious to see it emerge from my own data.)  But what, you may ask, am I going to do with this information?  The whole purpose of this exercise was to identify activities I find to be fun (and the results are probably things I would have guessed, but I digress).  In the end, I am pleased to see what I hope are examples of resiliency, teamwork, and grit in the face of tough odds, but I’d also like to carve out time for genuine fun in the new year – I certainly need it.  

Something Meaningful

When I think of New Year’s resolutions, I think of diets and exercise regimens, schedules for productivity and improvement, deprivation and discipline.  I don’t remember if I’ve ever created a New Year’s resolution based explicitly on fun (though I did get close with last year’s goals, noting a desire for more quality time and connection with Christian, friends, and family). [11] I do think that last year’s goals were a step in the right direction when I focused on the outcomes I wanted, rather than conforming to strict external standards.  But given how I started this post, I also recognize that any resolution(s) I make this year cannot be about deprivation; anything I do must be about incorporating more fun into my life.  (And if that fun can intersect with the dwindling fucks I still give – related to nurturing relationships and saving the world – all the better.)

Last month, a friend posted a video on my Facebook wall featuring a “Daily Show” interview with sustainability thought leader Joshua Spodek.  I won’t share the interview itself because I didn’t appreciate the style of humor, but I did appreciate learning more about Spodek himself. [12]  Going down the rabbit hole of his website led me to his TED talk on meaningful action.[13] I highly recommend taking 18 minutes to listen to his journey toward a more sustainable lifestyle, focusing on larger, meaningful changes, rather than smaller acts of deprivation.  In setting challenges for himself to generate a smaller carbon footprint (which he does, off the grid, in Manhattan), he claims to have encountered more fun than deprivation.  And it was that concept that sat patiently in the back of my mind while I crunched my data on fun.

As tired as I feel right now at the end of 2023, as little enthusiasm as I have to be more responsible in 2024, as often as I’ve questioned what impact I, as an individual, can really have… I can still hear the question from that TED talk reverberating in my mind: “What is the most that you can do [for the environment]?” But I know that with where I am right now, if I’m going to commit to anything, it’s going to have to be a commitment to more fun in my life so I can be more resilient. If that helps me do my planet-saving work more effectively, great; if I can slip a little environmental benefit in there on the side, I’ll feel good about that too.

Looking at the overall totals from the activities I tracked, having a meal or drink with someone ranked consistently high across all three categories of connection, flow, and play.  (Indeed, a full third of the examples that hit all three components of fun involved dinner and drinks.)  In looking at the people involved in these fun activities, Christian and our friends also ranked highly across all three categories, so that sounds like more meals and drinks with Christian and friends in the new year – I can get on board with that.  But eating out, somewhat frequently and sometimes extravagantly, I recognize the not insignificant opportunity to lower my carbon footprint when it comes to food.  In fact, I have written about that subject extensively on this blog, [14],[15] which brings me to my next point…

My Single Resolution

In looking for something meaningful to do in the new year, it is worth noting that a very strong trend emerged in the “flow” category: I spend a lot of time in a flow state by myself, usually when I’m creating something (be it a blog post, a beautiful garden, or a new recipe).  For a long time while gathering this data, I looked down on solitary, in-flow activities because they lacked connection with others and thus were objectively less fun.  But I think it’s OK if I have fun (or at least flow) on my own, especially if it’s a way I can recharge.  Creating something is actually a great way to spend down-time in a fulfilling way, as we saw during my Digital Detox this year. [16]  Allowing myself time alone after spending so much of my work day interacting with others isn’t something I should see as a failing.  (After all, I don’t judge my introvert friends with that yardstick.)

But if I’m looking to have more meals with Christian and our friends, and if I’m looking to spend more time in flow by myself, I will note that a great way to achieve both of those goals is through cooking… new things… for others. Almost 30% of solitary, in-flow activities I tracked this year involved research, writing, and cooking – and seeing that data point reminded me of a partially-executed idea from last spring: a cookbook.  I don’t intend to create a formal, published cookbook, as such, but I did start assembling seasonal recipes I enjoyed so I wouldn’t always be struggling for dinner ideas.  This concept is broad-reaching enough (involving friends, fun, creativity, carbon footprint reduction…) that I’m going to do something I’ve never done before in the history of New Year’s resolutions: I’m going to make just one.

What I intend to do in 2024 is test recipes involving in-season, plant-based ingredients, record the successes, and share the results with my friends.  I have quantitative data demonstrating that having meals with Christian and our friends is something that has brought fun into my life this year; the same can be said for cooking. I have qualitative data demonstrating that being busy or stressed does not preclude having aspects of fun in a day (and I know that having people over for dinner will mean extra stressors in addition to extra fun).  I also know that plant-based food choices are a very easy way to lower environmental impact – and if it’s done well, with good ingredients and good recipes, the meat is not always missed.

For the record, I’m not going vegan (which I did for a month two years ago). [17]  Becoming full vegan, while doable, does still feel like deprivation (at least in my experience).  However, cooking more vegan recipes overall, while not restricting dairy entirely, still displaces opportunities to eat dairy and results in less overindulging when dairy is available (again, in my experience).  If I can consistently try new recipes (average 1/week) and have friends over for dinner to try them (average 1/month), maybe our guests (and readers on this blog!) will recreate some of those successes at home, lowering their carbon footprints and having some fun in the process too.

~

So with that, I will sign off from this triple-length post, wishing you a happy, healthy new year with at least a little bit of fun.  I, myself, am looking forward to making more time for food and friends.
Tell me about your resolutions! What are you committing to in 2024?
Thanks for reading!

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[1] https://www.facebook.com/talesofakitchenwitch/photos/a.528535623834265/3423162094371589/?type=3

[2] https://www.scarymommy.com/woman-explains-why-she-has-no-fcks-left

[3] https://radicalmoderate.online/tidying-up-week-1/

[4] https://radicalmoderate.online/414-days-of-solitude/

[5] https://radicalmoderate.online/the-greatest-productivity-hack-part-1/

[6] https://radicalmoderate.online/to-what-end/

[7] https://radicalmoderate.online/digital-detox-week-4/

[8] https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/57569793

[9] https://www.ebay.com/itm/374332803063

[10] https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/35167685-surely-you-re-joking-mr-feynman

[11] https://radicalmoderate.online/to-what-end/

[12] https://joshuaspodek.com/

[13] https://www.ted.com/talks/joshua_spodek_stop_suggesting_small_things_do_meaningful_things

[14] https://radicalmoderate.online/community-supported-agriculture-part-5/

[15] https://radicalmoderate.online/vegan-january-part-5/

[16] https://radicalmoderate.online/digital-detox-week-4/

[17] https://radicalmoderate.online/vegan-january-part-1/

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